Fear Has Been My Shadow

Every time I look over my shoulder I see her.  She is dark and normally pretty overbearing.  She can knock me down when I least expect it.  And, boy, has she been visiting my brain lately.  Problem is, it's been an extended stay and I want her to leave. 

What do we do when our shadows of fear engulf us, when we feel so stuck that we can't move forward?

I have been blogging about my first-ever Half Marathon occuring this Saturday. I leave for Catalina by boat tomorrow night!  I am staying in a hotel with some of my girlfriend's friends of whom I've never met.  They'll be 5 of us in total that are running.  It just won't be together.  At least, that's not how I picture it in my mind.  My visitor (shadow) keeps telling me I'll be the one at the end of the race that everyone is waiting for so they can take down the finish line.  She also tells me that I can't do this, that I'm too old, that my knee won't be able to handle the race after undergoing and ACL repair nearly 3 years ago.  When I listen to her it's how I view the rest of my life.  The snowball starts to move down the mountain getting feverishly bigger to the point where I then feel like I'm a horrible mother, wife and friend.  Next thing you know I feel like no one loves me and I'm all alone.

All this because I took a big step forward to do something good for myself.  I can now recognize that when I do something good my shadow wants to pull me back to what's familiar.  What I know now is that my shadow is scared of change and that's HER voice, not mine. 

So have a seat, my shadow, as I watch the warmth of the sun melt that snowball.  I am choosing to move forward and am embracing this change for the better.  Someone once told me I'm never alone anyway, because I always have a relationship with myself.   The picture of me at the end of the race will be with one big smile on my face, because I will have sipped in all that Catalina has to offer:  the sunshine, the buffalo roaming, and the very thought  that I did my best to overcome my shadow.  However long it takes me to finish, I realize that I am a WINNER!

What has your shadow been saying to you as of late?  Isn't time to ask him/her to pack her bags?

Happy weekend,

~Lisa

*photo by Chris Sharp

Happy New Year, New Day, New Moment, New Breath...

Consider how many people set goals and  intentions this time of year.  They purge their drawers and  closets.  They buy new organizers.  New calendars.  They make amends to a family member or friend.  All of these actions come with the hope of creating change...for the good.

Why does this all happen at the start of a new year?  Why can't this be the way that we conduct ourselves all the time?  I know that those that participate in 12-step programs of recovery try to do this every night before they go to sleep.  They take their journals out and write an inventory.  The things they're grateful for.  The things that they wish they had done better.  They look for any resentments they're feeling, or any people that they seek forgiveness from.  They do this to get to the place of gratitude for a new day, a new moment, a new breath.

This IS how we should live.

Ever wonder why so many of us walk around with bad posture?  Yes, it's from the countless hours of sitting and the need for those workouts that support all those muscles.  Yet, if we look a little closer, we may find ourselves carrying the weight of the world on our shoulders.  The energy of negativity, anger, doubt, sadness can literally close us up.  It's our emotions and the psychological baggage that takes a toll on our minds AND our bodies.

If taking an inventory like our 12-Step program friends doesn't work for you, then I suggest finding something to work on .  Maybe it's counseling (I have some openings now, or can direct you to someone in your area).  Maybe it's reading a self-help book, helping a neighbor or talking with a friend.  Whatever it is, do it with the intention that you'd like to live your life a little bit lighter, with more joy in your heart.  Be open to the goodness that you can bring in for yourself.  Those around you will begin to notice  there's just something a bit different in the way you're carrying yourself.  They'll WANT to be around you.  And you'll enjoy this newfound sense of well-being.

What would it be like if we walked around and said, "Happy New Day!" with the same enthusiasm most of us
share on New Year's Eve, when that countdown to midnight sends the ball falling and a stream of fireworks lights up the air?  Imagine everyone feeling gratitude for this new day, for this new moment and for this new breath.  
So I say to you, "Happy New Day!"  I am grateful for so much.  I am grateful for you.

~Lisa