It’s too soon to tell how he will be, how I will be, how they will be.
It’s too soon to tell how anyone will be.
That’s just how it always is anyway, isn’t it?
We just never know.
I picture his heart. It’s blocked and in need of repair. Physical and structural repair, but, oh, yes, mental, emotional and spiritual repair too. The surgeon can go in with the utmost of care and use his highly trained hands to fix his heart, but that’s not where the chapter ends and a new story begins.
This is a wake-up call to life and how one can live while on this earth. And this is where I come in. I’ve watched. I’ve listened. I’ve prayed. Truth is, I’m not okay with how he lives his life; how he gives and gives until there’s nothing left, leaving his heart drained.
This is not surprising to me that all of this is happening.
It doesn’t end with that doctor’s precision. If only it was that easy to walk away with a new lease on life and say, “Yep, I can go back to doing things exactly the way I’ve done them before. I can eat how I want, do whatever I want, with no repercussions.”
Here’s the repercussion. It’s here, and it’s smacking you in the face. It’s smacking me in the face too!
He told me that he loved me, and he knows I love him, so maybe there’s nothing left to say or do. I believe there is. I know that this isn’t how the story should end. He is a part of me and my lesson is to use this as a gift in my own life; to watch when I give too much of myself away, with my own heart feeling taxed. I choose to rewrite this script of self-care so my children will observe a different way to live. As my oldest son said to me today, “I didn’t live with him like you did for all those years, Mom. It’s not the same feeling for me as it is for you. He’s not my dad. He’s yours.” And then he asked if I would take him surfing. I wasn’t ready because my heart felt too heavy.
I see his heart blocked and I hold it and wrap it in white light with angels a bound. I fill it with goodness and oxygen that nourishes every single cell, creating new life, new energy, and the opportunity to start anew. It’s his wake-up call, but it’s mine too. And because of this, I know it’s time for ME to start surfing.
