How do you watch someone die right in front of you?

A morbid topic, I know.  It's just that death (and life) is around us all the time.  We see it on the news, or read it in the obituary column.  What I'm talking about is the death of a loved one, as this has been happening in my close circles these last few weeks.  And I've grieved.  And I continue to grieve.  These people leave behind their families and friends.  They leave behind the day-to-day happenings of what's to eat for breakfast, how long their commutes are, and what conversations lie waiting upon their return to home. 

At the same time this was all happening, I had just finished reading the book, one thousand gifts, by Ann Voskamp.  As a 6 year old child, Ann witnesses her 4 year old sister die instantly after being run over by a tractor.  She watched her mom holding her sister in her arms, while wailing in disbelief.  Ultimately, this woman grew up feeling such despair and depression.  A friend challenged her to write a thousand things that she is grateful for.  This led  her to see blessings abound, even when faced with something as painful as watching someone right in front of her die.  When her 6 children are fighting,  when she feels like she cannot bear to think about going on for another moment in time, Ann has embraced the notion that she always has a choice as to how she lives each moment.  She chooses grace.

From Ann Voskamp, I've taken the following quotes to make my life feel more blessed:

• "I have learned how to be content with whatever I have.  I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything.  I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little." 
• "Through all that haste I thought I was making up time.  Turns out, I was throwing it away.   The hurry makes us hurt.  Hurry always empties the soul."

Look for the blessing.  Look for the blessing.  These moments go by so quickly.  I know, because I was just realizing how I hadn't been reading to my children as I had done so often when they were little.  I had been living like the days were long, but then realized that the years are so very short.  So I found my way back to their bedroom, reading with such love pouring from my soul.  And as I grieve my friend's death, I can look to the blessing of the moment.  I can feel grateful for tears and the ability to cry.  I can feel grateful for the outpouring of love that helps to build community.  I can feel grateful for my breath and for this life where I can choose how to react and how to LIVE. 

I wish that sometimes I could sit all of my clients, past and present in the same room.  This way, they could see that whatever their pain, whatever their challenge, someone next to them has gone through something, although not exactly the same, but same enough to recognize the feelings shared mirror their own.  Now THAT is a blessing.  I love helping people move through their pain, where they don't have to feel alone in it.  They have to be ready and open for this process to occur.   Ann Voskamp, after many years, was open.  And the blessings began to flow. 

I want that for you. 

~Lisa

LEMON - AID - FAST!!!!

Every year I try to do a lemonade fast.  Fasting has been around forever, with this type of fast becoming pretty trendy as of late.  Some of you know I was training for my first ever Half Marathon (cross that off the bucket list; I ran it in 2:49)!  Obviously, with all that training, I was in no position to fast.  One month out, I knew it was time to slow down and take advantage of a slower routine.  I stopped all exercise, barring walking and some light yoga, and picked lemons off my neighbor's tree (with her blessing), bought Grade B syrup and a small jar of cayenne pepper. 

Some people attempt  the lemonade fast for weight loss, thinking if they starve themselves silly everything will change.  They only learn that all the weight comes back on within the next couple of weeks.  This isn't me.  I'm the one who never thought I'd ever do such a thing.  I don't weigh myself.  I just use this fast as a time for reflection; to clean out physically (and emotionally) from all the toxins I've accumulated through the year.  Some of us can get sick from this fast, feeling flu-like, nausea, with headaches and other bodily pains.  It's just too extreme because our bodies are letting go of all that was inside (and what was in there just wasn't pretty).  It's a chance for me to pray, to vision, to think about what's really important to me, instead of staying on that treadmill of life without thinking that it's too hard to go that fast all the time!

Many people judge me for doing this.  Eat, woman, EAT!" they tell me.  They can't wrap their heads around why I'd do this.  And that's okay, because as they're judging me I'm living my life to the fullest.  The way I want to, with no regret.  Yes, I feel hungry during this fast, but so does half the world these days.  The fast ISN'T just physical for me.  It's the mental/spiritual side that I embrace each time I commit to this.  I've also learned that what may work for me, may not work for you, and that there's as much research in support of this fast as there is opposed to it.  Just like with anything, in the end, I listened to my own voice, telling me it was okay to embrace this fast for one more year.

Someone told me that women in a certain part of India fast on Fridays in support of the highest good for their husbands:  (Honey, if you're reading this, well... we'll have to move to India for that to happen!)   What happens for me next becomes magical.  When I stop and quiet myself I realize that all those cravings are gone.  All the talk inside my mind convincing me that I need to have that big piece of cake just isn't there anymore.  What's left is me, and me alone.  And I like it this way.  In fact, I crave this time now. 

Growing up in a family of five children, seven years apart, wasn't (to say the least) quiet.  I would retreat to my room sometimes just to get away from all the noise.  Sometimes I was sent there as a punishment and I remember thinking, "Heck, this just doesn't seem like one at all.  It feels kinda nice to slow down and have space to myself to collect my thoughts."

And that's what my yearly lemonade fast has become.  It's lemon/s to the rescue!  They  provide me with such solace far beyond their bittersweet taste.  They're the color yellow, just like the sun that warms my heart.  These lemons provide me with a time to carve out for myself (just like I did when I retreated to my room as a child).  I am at peace.  It really is the purging of the physical (bad foods, drinks, etc.) and the mental (negative thoughts, the judgments I have over others) that leave me.  My mantra becomes, "Out with the old and in with the new."

If I did another form of cleansing or detoxing (e.g. the raw food, 21 day) I'd have to carefully plan, buy, prepare all of the ingredients, in addition to cooking and providing for my family's eating.  Nope. Those other ways don't work for me at this time in my life.  The lemonade fast has been easier for me because I don't have any choices over what foods to eat.  I'm just simply existing on very little, and without all those choices, my mind can think about other things!  What happens next is that I see more energy coming into my life, to the point where I end up requiring LESS sleep.  I am able to parent, be a friend and a wife in a very loving manner.  Ask my family!  They have noticed the difference. 

So there ya' have it.  My reasons for these lemons, maple syrup, cayenne pepper and water.  Who would've thought that these 4 ingredients could be so life-altering!   Go try something new that you'd never thought of doing in your life.  Take a risk.  Get out of that "same old routine" you may be in.  Mix it up.  Live a little.  You can always go back to your old ways.  Always. 

Fear Has Been My Shadow

Every time I look over my shoulder I see her.  She is dark and normally pretty overbearing.  She can knock me down when I least expect it.  And, boy, has she been visiting my brain lately.  Problem is, it's been an extended stay and I want her to leave. 

What do we do when our shadows of fear engulf us, when we feel so stuck that we can't move forward?

I have been blogging about my first-ever Half Marathon occuring this Saturday. I leave for Catalina by boat tomorrow night!  I am staying in a hotel with some of my girlfriend's friends of whom I've never met.  They'll be 5 of us in total that are running.  It just won't be together.  At least, that's not how I picture it in my mind.  My visitor (shadow) keeps telling me I'll be the one at the end of the race that everyone is waiting for so they can take down the finish line.  She also tells me that I can't do this, that I'm too old, that my knee won't be able to handle the race after undergoing and ACL repair nearly 3 years ago.  When I listen to her it's how I view the rest of my life.  The snowball starts to move down the mountain getting feverishly bigger to the point where I then feel like I'm a horrible mother, wife and friend.  Next thing you know I feel like no one loves me and I'm all alone.

All this because I took a big step forward to do something good for myself.  I can now recognize that when I do something good my shadow wants to pull me back to what's familiar.  What I know now is that my shadow is scared of change and that's HER voice, not mine. 

So have a seat, my shadow, as I watch the warmth of the sun melt that snowball.  I am choosing to move forward and am embracing this change for the better.  Someone once told me I'm never alone anyway, because I always have a relationship with myself.   The picture of me at the end of the race will be with one big smile on my face, because I will have sipped in all that Catalina has to offer:  the sunshine, the buffalo roaming, and the very thought  that I did my best to overcome my shadow.  However long it takes me to finish, I realize that I am a WINNER!

What has your shadow been saying to you as of late?  Isn't time to ask him/her to pack her bags?

Happy weekend,

~Lisa

*photo by Chris Sharp

Happy New Year, New Day, New Moment, New Breath...

Consider how many people set goals and  intentions this time of year.  They purge their drawers and  closets.  They buy new organizers.  New calendars.  They make amends to a family member or friend.  All of these actions come with the hope of creating change...for the good.

Why does this all happen at the start of a new year?  Why can't this be the way that we conduct ourselves all the time?  I know that those that participate in 12-step programs of recovery try to do this every night before they go to sleep.  They take their journals out and write an inventory.  The things they're grateful for.  The things that they wish they had done better.  They look for any resentments they're feeling, or any people that they seek forgiveness from.  They do this to get to the place of gratitude for a new day, a new moment, a new breath.

This IS how we should live.

Ever wonder why so many of us walk around with bad posture?  Yes, it's from the countless hours of sitting and the need for those workouts that support all those muscles.  Yet, if we look a little closer, we may find ourselves carrying the weight of the world on our shoulders.  The energy of negativity, anger, doubt, sadness can literally close us up.  It's our emotions and the psychological baggage that takes a toll on our minds AND our bodies.

If taking an inventory like our 12-Step program friends doesn't work for you, then I suggest finding something to work on .  Maybe it's counseling (I have some openings now, or can direct you to someone in your area).  Maybe it's reading a self-help book, helping a neighbor or talking with a friend.  Whatever it is, do it with the intention that you'd like to live your life a little bit lighter, with more joy in your heart.  Be open to the goodness that you can bring in for yourself.  Those around you will begin to notice  there's just something a bit different in the way you're carrying yourself.  They'll WANT to be around you.  And you'll enjoy this newfound sense of well-being.

What would it be like if we walked around and said, "Happy New Day!" with the same enthusiasm most of us
share on New Year's Eve, when that countdown to midnight sends the ball falling and a stream of fireworks lights up the air?  Imagine everyone feeling gratitude for this new day, for this new moment and for this new breath.  
So I say to you, "Happy New Day!"  I am grateful for so much.  I am grateful for you.

~Lisa

What's at the bottom of your list?

If we dig deep enough, we can usually find what's at the bottom of our lists.  Not the Holiday shopping list, THE list of priorities in our lives.  The laundry list, that is.  I am not sure why it has taken me so many years to realize that what's at the bottom of my list are the things that fill my soul.  The things that make my clock tick.  I feel like I have met long lost friends who are saying, "Well, it's about time, sister!"

I have never considered myself a runner.  Maybe you don't consider yourself one too.  Maybe you don't consider yourself an artist, a cook or one of those people that make something from nothing.  I've heard those words all too often.  I can't.  I won't.  I don't have the time.  For me, it has been the realization that life is passing me by.  No more!

I don't want to have regrets.  That's why I started running.  I've piddled with this idea through my high school volleyball days when the coach made us run to build endurance for our sport.  I just haven't had a coach to make me do this anymore.  I am my own coach, and only I can dig up from the bottom of the list and plant the seed to move on, and move forward.

So I signed myself up for my first ever Half Marathon that occurs at the end of January, 2011.  Maybe it's just the structure I needed to "force myself" to do something that I would never do on my own accord.  It's working.  This time of year is so easy to put my running back towards the bottom of my list.  The parties, the decorating, the, "Oh, I must have all my gifts purchased before the crowds hit those shopping malls."  All that stuff is now at the bottom of my list.  Running is officially at the top (with my daily meditation, for at least five minutes, with my yoga stretching to boot).

It seems so selfish to take care of myself and put ME first.  I'm a giver.  I loooove my husband and boys.  I love buying thoughtful gifts for my friends.  I love volunteering my time to help families in need this time of year.  The difference for this year is that by consciously putting myself first, I am realizing that I am not selfish. Rather, I am so much more able to give, and those around me reap those benefits.  Instead of combing the internet for hours trying to find that perfect gift, I allow myself ten minutes to look.  If I don't find anything, then I look another day for ten minutes, and can purchase a gift that hasn't sucked all the life out of me in finding it.

So what's on the bottom of your list?  What needs to come to the top?   A famous Vincent Van Gogh quote reads,  "If you hear a voice within you say "you cannot paint," then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced.  I am choosing to silence the voice inside that says I can't run.  In doing so I get to watch the quality and energy behind how great I feel inside.  And that's the BEST gift I can give to my family and everyone around me, even at the shopping malls...

What are we RACING for?

So much happens every day of our lives.  We blink and it's over.  Yet, we seem to be racing to the next thing, maybe missing the needle in the haystack.  Why race?  Why, oh why do we do this?

Last night, I came together with 5 other women/colleagues to help bring the new documentary film "Race to Nowhere" to our local community.  It felt like it was just supposed to happen.  Five hundred tickets sold in ten days time.  Everyone was ready and waiting for the movie's message.  And it appeared loud and clear.  Teens were up on the screen discussing how much stress they are under.  From too much homework, to over-scheduling to staying up late into the night; they all realized they were on the "race to nowhere."

Working with pregnancy has been part of my professional work these last several years.  One common theme has emerged.  Even at the start of life there was a RACE for the baby to come out.  Some pregnant folks would tell their due date as if it was a hard and fast rule, and when the baby hadn't arrived, were on the phone with their respective care providers seeking a medical induction of labor.  Despite  all the evidence indicating due dates were not always accurate,  the race continued.

The RACE continues as we watch our babies emerge into the life cyle.  These babies  begin to crawl, and we're already talking about when they are going to start walking.  When they walk, we want to know when they'll run.  When they argue at the dinner table over who should wash the dishes, we are fantasizing about what ivy league law school they will attend (and our kids are only 8). 

We all have room to wake up even more and see the damage this race plays on our own emotional and physical lives.  For ourselves, and our famlies, we must assess the damage we may have caused.  We must clean out the attic, the basement, and all the rooms in-between.  Not just with a wiry, old broom.  We need to all participate in this cleaning out.  I'll take the broom.  You take the dust pan.  You take the polish and your friend can use the vacuum.  It's in this spirit of community that we will effect change.  The change that we (and our kids) need to see in the world.  Before it's too late.

Therapy (counseling) is one way to clean out the attic.  Your counselor can help you find the cobwebs that you may not even know are there.  It's like getting a clean slate to write on but using a different script when it comes time to write the words.  I love helping people clean out those cobwebs, and trust that there are those that will do the work needed on themselves so that new scripts can be written for change to ensue.

People stayed well after the movie ended.  Some went out for tea, others for a glass of wine.  Rumblings of a second screening are underway.  Vicki Abeles, the Race to Nowhere (RTN) discussed how we've all been to meetings and finding out what was wrong and what should be changed.  The difference lies now in NOT stopping.  Rather, we clean out, take stock and move forward with more grace than we could have ever imagined possible.  There's just no other way.

Louis Stevenson wrote "Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap, but by the seeds you plant."

I intend to do that.  And I know you will too.

~Lisa

Anticipation

I'm singing the Heinz ketchup commercial right now.  "Anticipation. An-tic-i- pa-a-tion.  It's making me wait.  It's keeping me wa-a-a-a-ting."  I think it's on youtube if you need a refresher.  I think I need to show it to my youngest son so he can fully understand why he couldn't fall asleep last night.  He went to the kitchen close to midnight deciding he was hungry.  So he ate.  Why couldn't he sleep?  One word.  Halloween. 

He awoke again  at 1:30 a.m. and I told him he must be having trouble sleeping because he's excited about his costume.   He exhaustingly said, "Yeah, I guess you're right," and finally caught some much needed zzz's.

Anticipation.  Waiting for something to happen.  Feeling the rush of your heart beat just a little bit faster, and feeling the heat of your body's temperature increase a bit.  Yes, I can relate.  I can relate in so many ways!  What this one word really means to me is missing the moment of NOW.  Missing the miracle that could have happened if I wasn't so focused on what's going to happen next.

Jack Kornfield was quoted as saying, "The restless waters of the lake appear to make the moon dance."  How great is it that my son is so excited about his costume (and I'll tell you at the end what it is, don't worry!)  How great is it that the restless waters helped to make the moon dance.  Every moment is perfectly perfect.  Every moment leads us, just like a bridge leading land to land, to that very next moment.  This becomes my prayer, my mantra, my ritual when I'm not getting the sleep I thought that I desperately needed as I watch my son sit with his rapidly beating heart.   Letting go.  Being.  That's the beauty of seeing the world in this manner.  Insomnia was the bridge to what's yet to come for this Halloween weekend.

For those inquiring minds, my son's costume is a "Failed Math Test."  Last night he wrote in black ink on 2 pieces of board math equations, filled with mistakes.  In red ink, he wrote his "teacher comments,"  one of which said that the person had to "...go back to preschool and stay there forever."  My son found his voice and his ability to self express.  I am so tickled for him to wear this to the school sponsored Halloween Carnival (along with the hat I made for him with a glued eraser and pencil on it).  And with the anticipation that will come when school is relased and we're waiting to leave for the night, I will chant the words, "This moment is perfectly perfect."

And, of course, I throw in a few deep breaths.

Happy Halloween!

Lisa